Discharged

Don’t you love it when a Dr you’ve never met tells you all your problems of the last few months were obviously caused by drink and drugs and now you’re all better, and your diagnosis is now just traits of various ‘disorders’ which display in time of stress, and you have a ‘difficult past’ but you’re surviving the rest of the time so you’re getting discharged. Cheers man. I’m not sure what he thinks was going on in the decades prior to that..
Also I should continue to avoid work related stress by not working, but also keep busy, so Im majically cured but not, and I can see my usual Psychiatrist again in 4-6 months if she’s back from long term sick leave..
Meanwhile my CPN sits there and smiles and nods and says how well I look because I’ve starved myself lately and got a tan. Sometimes these people are aliens, made of concrete with hearts of lead.
Maybe they’re right and they just need to work on their delivery.
I know I’m not ‘in crisis’ and I’m med resistant/intollerant and maybe there really isn’t anything else they can do for me at the moment, but really…
I’m okay not having a firm diagnosis, labels can be harmful and make victims of us, I think basically I am a traumatised wee girl with hypersensitivity and a painfully empathic nature, and a low tollerance to stress, unfortunately everything stresses me out so I’m in constant turmoil for no specific or logical reason.
I know there’s things I can do to help myself and what doesn’t help, and I’ve been playing the game long enough to know that it takes help and tools from all angles to keep on top of things. Perhaps psychiatry will never give me the answers I’m looking for.
Compassion Focussed Therapy has been helping me a lot lately, and mummy rehab has given me space to sort myself out.
A couple of wknds ago on a night people kept asking how I was and I said ‘good’ and it wasn’t even a lie, it felt amazing to not be too up or down and just feel ‘fine.’ I know I am getting stronger after a worrying few months and I’m genuinely thankful for all the turbulence because I’m a whole lot wiser and ready to heal and live my life and take care of myself again.
I feel like I live my life walking on a tightrope, always seeking balance and usually violently swinging from one state to the next. Sometimes there is a safety net there and sometimes the ground below is very very far away and sometimes all I wanna do is jump. And sometimes I do cos depending on the day theres a 50/50 chance that I’ll fly.

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