When you are drowning you are supposed to stay still and float, go against your instinct and stop thrashing around. It is in the stillness that you will find the strength to fight, not in the struggle, the pauses between the punches.

I have been still for so long, trying to downplay the madness, willing it away, sitting back and accepting and acknowledging, witnessing it, being self aware, without fighting back.

And the waves they keep coming, bigger and bigger, and I am smashed against the rocks like a ragdoll, and the rocks, they are winning, soon it will be me who is fragmented into sand.

I have run out of caring and reasons to live and now of words to tell you. I’m sorry. I am drowned, not drowning.


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