My ex didn’t want me to blog about him.

My ex didn’t want me to blog about him, or rather our relationship, because he felt like it would be all negative, and that in time I would have more clarity about the situation and wouldn’t focus on the ending so much.
But it’s not about him anymore.
And here’s the thing, I had clarity about our relationship when we were still together and I didn’t speak out, I had clarity and I sat on my feelings and hid them because I was afraid of them. I had clarity and when I finally spoke about them and acted on them and I asked him to work on our relationship, on us, he didn’t want to.
And sure I can be as hurt and pissed off and bitter as I like, but it’s not about him anymore.
It’s about me. FINALLY.
For so long my life was about him, his lifestyle, his responsibilities, to the point where I pretty much gave up my independence and identity, not as a conscious choice or through his persuasion, but a combination of my own mental state, low self esteem and bad habits.
At last I’m not living for anyone but myself.
I am looking after my health, both mental and physical, I am building myself up, recovering from a relationship, which despite it’s healing and positive early years, allowed me to give up on myself and hide from the world. It was healthy until it wasn’t: nothing will take away the good years, but nothing will give us back the bad years either. I don’t see it as time wasted because there is much to be learnt from every mistake, or every difficult situation. We cannot grow without conflict.
I don’t want to write about my ex, because I don’t want to hurt him or anyone else involved. I have already spent too long grieving a relationship that stopped working a long time ago. I don’t want to speak about old anger and disappointment and I don’t want to talk of my sadness at my failings in the relationship either.
I don’t want to dissect every past relationship I’ve had and assign blame to each party, and beat myself up about the people I choose to be with, the way I love, and the ways I can’t. I don’t want to ruin new relationships by rehashing the baggage I carry from old ones.
I want to write and think about the future. And for the most part, he’s not in it.

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