My ex didn’t want me to blog about him, or rather our relationship, because he felt like it would be all negative, and that in time I would have more clarity about the situation and wouldn’t focus on the ending so much.
But it’s not about him anymore.
And here’s the thing, I had clarity about our relationship when we were still together and I didn’t speak out, I had clarity and I sat on my feelings and hid them because I was afraid of them. I had clarity and when I finally spoke about them and acted on them and I asked him to work on our relationship, on us, he didn’t want to.
And sure I can be as hurt and pissed off and bitter as I like, but it’s not about him anymore.
It’s about me. FINALLY.
For so long my life was about him, his lifestyle, his responsibilities, to the point where I pretty much gave up my independence and identity, not as a conscious choice or through his persuasion, but a combination of my own mental state, low self esteem and bad habits.
At last I’m not living for anyone but myself.
I am looking after my health, both mental and physical, I am building myself up, recovering from a relationship, which despite it’s healing and positive early years, allowed me to give up on myself and hide from the world. It was healthy until it wasn’t: nothing will take away the good years, but nothing will give us back the bad years either. I don’t see it as time wasted because there is much to be learnt from every mistake, or every difficult situation. We cannot grow without conflict.
I don’t want to write about my ex, because I don’t want to hurt him or anyone else involved. I have already spent too long grieving a relationship that stopped working a long time ago. I don’t want to speak about old anger and disappointment and I don’t want to talk of my sadness at my failings in the relationship either.
I don’t want to dissect every past relationship I’ve had and assign blame to each party, and beat myself up about the people I choose to be with, the way I love, and the ways I can’t. I don’t want to ruin new relationships by rehashing the baggage I carry from old ones.
I want to write and think about the future. And for the most part, he’s not in it.