Seasonal Apocalyptic Disorder Awareness Week

What is Seasonal Apocalyptic Disorder?

Seasonal Apocalyptic Disorder is when, in the depths of the dark winter of your life, you become so tuned into the chaos and pain of the world that your helplessness can go no further, and you start to realise that the easiest option and only way to survive is to give zero fucks, head over to the local Wetherspoons for a pint and wait for it all to blow over in a blazing fire ball of devastation.

Symptoms

Acute awareness at the futility of life and pointlessness in caring about anything.

Giving up on trying to control anything because God laughs at your plans and if you don’t try you can’t fail.

Distinct lack of fucks to give.

Feelings of euphoria and glee when imagining all the potential ways in which the future is bleak.

Laughing hysterically because nothing can hurt you any more and every day the universe plays a new sick joke which perpetuates the human race’s rapid decline.

Rubbing your hands with delight with highly flammable substances nearby as you eagerly watch the world burn.

Feeling soothed by the realisation that mankind is doomed and that soon you and everyone you know and have ever loved will be gone and there’s nothing any of us can do about it so you crack on with a newly found sense of freedom.

You start looking forward to the end of times, and kick back and relax with your favourite pre-apocalypse snacks.

Contributing factors to the sense of impending doom include:

Bigoted (sexist/racist) climate change deniers being elected to run one of the world’s most powerful countries.

Unelected psychopaths running your country that prattle through vague, weird one liners about ‘Hard Brexits’ and being ‘in it together’ while wearing suit jackets that cost more than your annual salary (if you’re lucky enough to have one).

The dismantling of the national health service and the battery on the welfare state and the impact this has on society’s most vulnerable (including crippling cuts to education, the care industry, mental health facilities, the rise of food banks etc).

Your idols dying all at once because they sensed the end of times and decided to check out while there’s still time to get a posthumus entry in the music charts.

When you realise your favourite album was released 25 years ago and you’re aging rapidly and are so far from having your shit together that you.can’t.even.

Cadbury’s start fucking about with the Creme Egg recipe.

How is Seasonal Apocalyptic Disorder treated?

SAD is best treated by going with the fucking flow, because we’re all fucked anyway.

Prognosis

Death: sweet, glorious death.

 

 

 

 

 

 

With thanks to SG for the inspiration x

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