I dream of my childhood home all the time; almost every night, only now it is always in the garden, by the river, out in the wilderness and I wonder why that is.. why has that changed? The house is no longer the focus, the place I haunt.. now I am within the earth, the roots, and I wonder if the house represents my brain and if now I am getting beyond the man made structure and reaching right into the roots of me, my connection to the earth of that time, the real emotional ecosystem and it feels like progress. It kind of starts to feel like things are evolving mentally, spiritually perhaps.. and I wonder if it really is a personal revolution or maybe SSRI’s really are just bizarre chemical weapons used against sanity and maybe it is all just bollocks.
A while back I kept dreaming intensely and it was starting to blur with reality and I was freaking out about it quite badly. But then I wondered if it was actually a sign, for me to challenge my idea of reality that my perception could be changed and then I could take some control back in terms of my my mental health or beliefs about myself. I didn’t have any solutions or goals or decisions to make, but it just opened me up, something shifted.. and for some reason things became a lot easier.
There has been a combination of things over the last year that have helped me to move forward and it will always be a combination of things that keep me healthy and stable, I know this, but just the freedom of knowing that it can change has helped me to actually see change, experience it and now actively seek it.. enlightenment of sorts..
My good old brain keeps ticking away, solving its own riddles. Maybe I am curing myself on a subconscious level without trying, only with a deep recognition , self determination and acceptance. And maybe trusting in the process that little bit more. The universe, the truth, is bigger than my own deluded/narrow thoughts, that much I know.
And maybe the drugs work too.